Ode to Mommy

Okay, this wont actually be an "ode" but it will be a pretty honest post. To reiterate, again and again, I have fallen in love with photography. Possibly because it is something that I'm good at, maybe because it is incredibly relaxing, or maybe due to the fact that pictures evoke a vast amount of emotion. When I review pictures that I have taken after a certain day, I can relay that to exactly what mood was in. Sometimes I can only take photos at a certain angle or in a certain lighting depending on how I feel. Tonight I got the rare opportunity to talk with my Mom for more than 2.35 minutes. I always call her when she is driving somewhere and has to go or she calls me when I'm at work or class or on my way to one of the two or in the subway or grocery store or... you get it.

My mother and I have such a special relationship. Ever since I was a little lad in Oklahoma (Yes, those of you that have met me post California or New York I was born in Oklahoma and lost the accent) I felt a special bond with my madre and older brother. It was just us. Not for too long though. I miss some of those times. We were dirt poor but my mom has never let me feel poor, never. She is superwoman. I remember her long curly blond hair that she would tie with my belts because it was so thick and sometimes she would french braid it. My brother was so protective and wanted to teach me everything, until he got too cool for me. He taught me how to color inside the lines... I later taught myself how to color outside of the lines.

Back to mommy. The three of us were as thick as thieves and my weekends were spent with my amazing grandparents on a farm. Then my mom married and we moved away. To a new life... South Carolina.

I grew so much. And just as I uncomfortably forced myself into skin that didn't fit, I moved to Atlanta where I discovered myself. I started smoking. I started to be me... and I learned to be okay. My mom was crazy during this time because of her pregnancy with my little brother and sister and I was at an age that I hated my parents. To think of those years hurts but it has shaped the relationship I have now.

My mom put so much pressure on me. Then we moved to California. I was popular at last. I had friends, lots of them. I still love my two best friends, Courtney and Helen, just as much as our high school years. My mom let me drink and smoke and if I didn't have to watch my little brother or sister life was pretty good. My mom taught me to have poise. My mom taught me to be me. I carry my head high no matter how much life wants to bring me down. This woman taught me to tackle every situation. We didn't have a great relationship though, her other kids weighed her down... her marriage weighed her down. I had to break free of California and I flew away... far away. I moved to New York City.

I had to get away from my family. My mom let me go. That had to be hard. We were just starting to get close too. She taught me that I can conquer the universe, no matter what. And that faith is stronger than status or money. I've been gone for a few years now... alone and far away.

When I feel most alone though it doesn't take much to find solace. I open my window and blinds and try and find the tie that binds us. No matter where I am in this world... no matter where she is in this world... we look at the same moon. I miss my mom every day. I'm so lucky that she is still in this universe with me however, the physical distance sometimes hurts. I know my aunt must miss her mommy more than I can imagine and I don't want to sound bratty saying that I miss mine while still blessed enough to have her to call and visit from time to time. I also know that Jill's mom is shining down on her just as mine is every time I catch a glimpse of the moon.

Mommy, I miss you and life is hard. Thank you for giving me the tools I need to be the incredible man I am today and the success we both know I am and will be. You will always be my strength and any accomplishment I have in life is a gift from you. I am so proud of you. Here is a picture I took tonight while on the phone with you...