Splenda Follies

Hi,

My name is Christian and I have an addiction.

I am addicted to Splenda.

I first realized that I had an addiction when I went into a local Starbucks (yes, local Starbucks in Manhattan means looking around in a one-block radius and choosing the closest one) and looked around with a maniacal grin running across my face as I did a mini-lookout while choosing what I wanted to get. More on that in a moment...

I came home from an afternoon shopping and plopped my bags down and when I came back later and dumped them on the ground this happened.

My embarrassing bounty spewed across the floor rearing its ugly face. Yes the above picture really happened. Why do I have random Splenda in my bag you ask? Good Question.

Every time that I visit a coffee shop I normally just get a regular coffee (but this season I'm obsessed with adding pumpkin spice flavors with a little cinnamon, but I digress) and add one or two fake sugars... but sometimes I see people that put roughly 17lbs of the stuff in their coffees. After scratching my brain as to how you could drink something so sweet I think... if they get all those sugars why don't I? Just because I don't use them all at the same time doesn't mean I don't deserve as many as those people... right? I must admit that this thought process has been instilled in my brain from one family member in particular. I wont name names, but we all know who she is, think of her as my Obi Wan Kenobi of devious ways.

After careful planning I shove the ten I forgot to put in my coffee in whatever bag I'm carrying just in case I need one, or two, or ten for the road. Yes, this has made for some uncomfortable conversations but in the long run we're all dead. And I am in college and just don't have the dough to spend on sugar for my morning coffee and without which I would be most unpleasant. So, when it comes down to it, every Splenda I take is an act of public service. Ah, I can sleep tonight. On a lighter note,

Are you kidding? Is this a joke? I'm sorry but if you are monitoring the nutritional facts on the packet of Splenda you have a psychological issue that needs to be addressed. Please seek medical attention if you have been dissuaded from partaking in the evil ways of sugar-wannabes due to their nutrition facts. Another day in the life.